This is crazy...  I was inspired by my brother and his fiance today to go looking for this old blog and when I stumbled upon it, I was surprised to see that my last entry was the DAY BEFORE our daughter, Sabine, arrived, ha ha.  My life has definitely changed quite a bit since that last post, but then again, not so much really, either.  Surprisingly, the same themes that "plagued" me back then (and in years previous, I saw) are still bothering me today, and it made me realize that my ambitious hopes to radically change my approach to life once I had a little one on the scene were kind of smothered when I returned to work.  Seems things are much the same these days as they were pre-baby, with the added joy of course that I get to share a few hours in the day with a little curly-headed blondie who is constantly wowing me with her exploration of the world around her.
There are lessons here, I just don't know how to learn them, it would seem.  Anyway, I'm feeling a bit melancholy for some reason so I'm not going to post further for now, but hopefully this re-discovery of my old thoughts and goals will help me to re-align my focus a bit.  It at least does inspire me to start documenting the inspiring things in life again, because they're definitely there, and it'd do me some good to properly acknowledge them!  :)  (Especially, might I add, as I'm 12 weeks from welcoming baby #2 into the world).
xo

So, this could possibly be the first week day of the last week I will not be a "Mommy". It was an 'odd' sort of day, actually. I was awake when Luc got up for work, at around 6:15 am, and didn't go back to sleep. I lay there with this feeling of anticipation and finally decided to get up and have breakfast with Luc before he left for work. Once he was gone, I sat there, yawning, and decided to organize my to-do list for the day, figuring that'd inspire me to get a jumpstart on showering, cleaning out the fridge, then grocery shopping.
However, I managed the list and then found myself 'flagging', so I sat at the table for a bit, then finally made an executive decision to force myself back to bed, as this non-moving, robotic me was not going to get anything done anyway. I woke up at 9:30 from a deep sleep to the sound of the phone ringing. It took me ages to drag myself out of bed, and after I'd returned the call (to Luc), I sat in my rocking chair and dozed off again. I started to wonder if this was the exhaustion before 'the storm' of labour hits. However, it was not. I found a second wind, but obviously was still moving slowly as I barely managed to fit my 'tasks' into the day before Luc was home. Infact, I didn't get a chance to call a new friend with whom I've been hoping to get together with before the baby arrives.

I was fully expecting to have a boring wait before our little one came, but I find that every day is packed with shopping, cleaning, laundry, organizing, phone calls to various different companies for various different reasons, cooking, etc... It's crazy. It's making me start to think that adding a baby to the mix might be more than I can handle with my current work load, hence why every woman I know has warned me to drop the idea that I can 'do it all' - apparently I'm not the first woman to have gone through this.
It's innocent though really - you go from working 9 - 5 every week day, to suddenly having nothing but time on your hands which finally opens up the possibility to transform your home into the clean, organized, well-run enterprise that it always should have been but never was. The irony is that all your hard work goes out the window the minute the real reason you are home arrives... ;)

Anyway, it's summer solstice, and I didn't really formally get to recognize it, however I did manage to plant a bunch of flowers in pots, which are now hanging from trees, or tucked along the stairs of the deck, or clustered among the potted leafy plants I already had. I lucked in and paid $1 for each flat of 8 plants, so for $6 I came home with a good number of begonias, impatiens and little purple flowers (can't remember what they're called) - all semi shade tolerant, to make my yard a bit prettier. :)

I'm hoping to get back into my nature-appreciating, seasonal-crafting side of things again this year. I already have my eye on a book:

Enchanted Circles: Flower Garlands, Swags and Wreaths

I'm hoping to build some nice harvest wreaths and real Christmas garlands. I have a looooong list of things I want to get into this year though, and no telling if I'll actually achieve any of it. Just for fun, I'm thinking of:

- projects around the house (floors, the kitchen, furniture for the living room, repainting upstairs);
- seasonal crafts;
- walking with other Moms (strollercise groups);
- yoga;
- cooking and baking;
- taking courses in running my own business and/or business analysis and project management;
- taking another course in French;
- everything BABY!! ;) (swimming lessons, cardio classes, play groups with him/her)

All that and I still have to find time for laundry, groceries and cleaning the house, ha ha.
Okay, so probably only two things off that list will come true, but we'll see how it goes!

Here's to new beginnings and long, lazy summer days ahead!

xoxo

Well, it's been over a year since I felt the need to 'blast' my thoughts into cyberspace, but I figured since I'm now entering what promises to be a VERY interesting year, I thought I'd resurrect the practice, at least for the time being. (We'll see how long it lasts once I'm changing diapers and feeding my little 'buddy' all day and night).

Last Friday, June 11, I essentially 'abandoned' the 9-5 world (quite literally, I had to leave before my test scripts could finish running so I essentially left loose ends which I'm sure will haunt me forever, as I skipped out the door and onto my next 'phase' in life). I'll admit I'm faking the whole "stay at home mom" (SAHM) idea because we all know I'll be back at work in a year. However, I think so far I'm off to a fairly good start with this new 'job' of mine. Though that may have to do with the fact my new 'boss' hasn't yet arrived on the scene.

For the last two days, I've managed to be awake before 8:00 (yesterday I started at 7:30 am), and faced the day with the intent to "get things done". I've been able to tackle things I haven't had time to do in ages - mountains of paperwork, bills to be paid, trips to the bank, grocery shopping (properly), house cleaning that wasn't getting done, and of course the prep-work that goes along with expecting a baby to suddenly appear in one's house. I saw a lactation consultant today, and after cursing a blue streak trying to re-install the carseat in the Jeep, I also saw a car-seat installation specialist (who thankfully made the process a TON easier once he showed me I was doing it wrong). :) I didn't realize it, but Gatineau has a list of garages with certified car-seat-installer-extraordinaire people who will help you do the installation for FREE. Sweet deal.

Tomorrow I have another lactation "buddy" coming to see me in the morning, (she's a mother of two and a volunteer who will hopefully be my 'life line' when I'm convinced my baby is starving and I just can't go on) and another ultrasound and doctor's appointment in the afternoon. So that'll be another busy day. I find it ironic that I had to dig out my day planner and carefully schedule my week - something I never had to do when working. If every day could be like the last two, I think I might seriously entertain the idea of quitting my job and running 'the household' instead. At least every day is something different and hey, if I need to take a walk because it's sunny out, or a nap because I'm exhausted, I can schedule that in - fabulous!

I'm also hoping to kind of 'reconnect' with life (outside of work) this year. I have met some wonderful ladies already that I know will become a huge source of support to me (and help fend off feelings of isolation), I intend to get to know my town a bit better (started with a great walk along the beach at the marina with a friend on Sunday afternoon, something I NEVER do), and I also am hoping to tap into what's going on in the world, as I really have no clue. It's amazing how you can tunnel-vision your way through life where suddenly the only important elements of your day are: what to wear to work, what to do at work, what to eat for lunch and supper, what to watch on tv at night. Seriously, there's so much more out there!! I think having kids is going to be a wonderful experience that will re-open corners of the world I'd long forgotten, and I'm very excited about that. :)

Anyway, we're still waiting for our 'petite patate' to arrive, and I have a feeling it won't be until next week. In the meantime, I'm enjoying this time while it lasts!

Sweet dreams for now,
S

Wow, it has been a long time since I've posted on here! Though, for me, that is entirely a good thing. Over the past 8 months or so, life went from mundane and predictable to flying-by-the-seat-of-your-pants stressful and is only now starting to calm down. However, looking back, while I used to have more time to write more meaningful posts, I wasn't really "living" - I was writing about living. I feel I had to do a 180 for a while, and get away from the computer, so that I could bring things back into balance.

So I am starting off this year, married (on a beautiful sunny day in October :) ), working on a very interesting, though crazily stressful contract, and looking at my life with a bit of a new perspective. It's time to slow down, strip out some of the stresses, and learn to enjoy things again! My next book (on order) is "In Praise of Slow" - and I can't wait to finally read it.

One of my new years resolutions was to invest in my health this year. So I booked an appointment with a Naturopathic doctor. She is wonderful - taking the time to investigate everything about my health and lifestyle. She quickly pinpointed why I feel so overstressed all the time and has recommended a new diet chalk full of nutrient packing grains, flax, fruits, vegetables, fish, and a wee bit less red meat. She also took me off sugar. Turns out, despite not actually eating what I consider to be 'junk food', I was still managing to consume more than four times the daily recommended amount of sugar, and not much else. This of course contributed to my rollercoaster ride of fatigue, restless energy (at the wrong times) and irritability.

I also signed up for the yoga class in Aylmer that I'd been looking at last year. It's wonderful - I really love it. I've taken yoga before, but maybe it's a combination of me being finally ready, and the teacher being so knowledgeable and passionate about what he does, that has made me love it so much this time. And in the summer, instead of regular classes, he does yoga on the beach at the marina at least once a week, at sunset. I can't wait!

I've also decided (though it's with a bit of a heavy heart, I have to admit), to not continue with my gardening group in Ottawa this summer. Last summer I found that, because it was always on a Sunday morning, I was often tired and didn't spend much time there anyway when I did go. It also meant that I would lose half a day, covered in mud, and could never do things like go to the gardening shows I wanted to, or to the farmer's market, or even to the UU church (I'm curious). It also prevented us from actually leaving the city to go relax at the cottage or spend time with our families. So this year, I'm going to bring the focus back to my own home.

One thing I've been learning over these past few months of craziness is that I tend to try to pack WAY too much into my life, because I always feel like I don't do anything worthwhile. However, I realize now that by packing more and more in there, I was barely able to accomplish anything, and when I did manage to work on something, I was already thinking of the next thing I had to do, so I never got to really enjoy the moment. So, I'm back to the basics, and hopefully this year I'll be able to get some of the things done around the house that we need to.

Anyway, Imbolc passed and the groundhog saw his shadow. Looks like Winter is not leaving us just yet, so I have more time to dream up things to do in the yard and gardens this year. I will also probably get back into posting a bit more from time to time. I have lots to chat about!

xo

Litha (Summer Solstice): '...summer solstice, or midsummer, is a time to spread warmth and enjoy the sun's energy. The sun is at its highest point in the sky. Everywhere you look nature shows her bounty; praise
the opulence and abundance available to you for the asking. This is a day to celebrate your gifts of healing, whether they are intuitive or use plants. Make peace with the impermanence of life and changing
relationships, knowing that you are always guided and watched over. Bloom where you are planted. Respect male energy, honor your light, hug yourself. You are one with the infinite sun...
Looking around my garden yesterday, I could see that things were definitely starting to grow, but whether it's because of the cooler temperatures lately, or the fact it has rained almost every single day for the past
month or so, I did notice that my baby plants (especially the annuals) are all struggling to survive. I planted a veggie garden with neat rows of little peppers, pumpkins, cucumbers, tomatoes, chives, various herbs,
etc. and thanks to the hail and the rain, and the lack of sunlight, the plants seemed to almost shrink, some even disappeared, and weeds are starting to take their place. Hmmm. I'm thinking I'll have to turn that
corner into a nice shaded bed next year as it doesn't seem to be a good place to grow sun-loving plants (my elm tree hangs over it which is a problem).
At least I did have enough sense to keep three tomato plants and a large planter full of herbs up on my deck where they have received more sunlight and are starting to grow quite nicely now. I just finished a
book called 'The Birth House' by Ami MacKay (here's her website: www.thebirthhouse.com. Throughout the book, various herbal remedies (centered around childbirth of course) were mentioned, and in the back,
just for fun, they included what was in her 'willow book' - a list of various herbs, remedies, and 'spells' that midwives would use. It was a neat book, not quite as indepth as I thought it would be, but still a nice
read... Anyway, it got me thinking that I still would like to continue my study of herbs and their uses. There is a book that I'd love to have, called: The Herbal History of Plants by John Gerard - originally published
in 1597 and then revised in 1633, it's full of original herbal remedies, medieval folk-lore, and interesting facts about hundreds upon hundreds of plants. It's on my wishlist, but it's $100 so I'll have to save my
pennies. ;)
Anyhow, on to other things - last night, I took what was probably my final walk through my grandparents' house. They bought the farmland back in the early 70's (I believe) and built their house there. Throughout
my life, as my sister pointed out, that was one of few constant places that we always came back to. It's sad to think that the one home that we hadn't yet lost is now going to be owned by someone else, and
they've already applied to sever the area around the house from the rest of the farmland below, and then to divide the 'cow field' and the orchard, where two more homes might be built. I have to admit, I regret being so quick to say 'no thanks' to my aunt when she asked if we were interested in the farm. Of course, the reason why I said no still makes sense - it sold for over $500,000. There is no
way (especially since we already own two properties) that we were ever going to afford that!! But walking through the house yesterday, with its old (but perfect) wall-paper, original curtains, gigantic brick fireplace,
and that old familiar smell that was always 'the farm' (somewhere between a cool, damp basement and clean fresh powder). I was fine until I walked into what was once my mother's bedroom, and then became
the room that I often slept in when we visited. There was the same heavy orange curtains (circa 1960-something). I gently pulled one back from the window that used to scare me, and I felt a sense of cool
sadness come over me. I always swore that room was haunted (and later in life learned that my great grandmother had passed away there). Call me wacky but every time I walked into that room, the same sense
of sadness was hanging in the air. At the risk of sounding kooky, it felt as though she was there.
What probably hurt the most though, was looking at the fields and trees and barns that we loved so much. Each was 'so old' to us, filled with 'treasures'. We'd build forts out of the wood in the woodshed, tease
the chickens in the chicken coup, play for hours in the old horse stalls (that still had hay and straw from when Mom was a teenager), and creep through the barn, to the back where grandpa had built his airplane.
Looking at those buildings, I got a supreme sense of sadness, and while part of me wished I could take one last walk through, another part of me was thankful that the car was moving and we were moving on.
I would have loved to own that house, to fix it up, but carefully preserve some sense of my grandparents within it. I had a thought that, perhaps once the lots were sold, if that house ever went up for sale, I'd buy
it, but then I wonder if the new owners would have gutted it, removing every last shred of what was once sacred to my family.
Sigh...
Anyway, my mother had said to me yesterday that I should see the house empty to 'bring a sense of closure'. At the time, I told her I'd actually prefer that I remembered it full, and that still rings true. So I will try to
forget leaving it, empty and sad, and try to remember all the times we left it, with grandma and grandpa standing on the front steps, waving, dogs barking, cousins running around. Much better. :)

Woohoo! So life is going pretty well for me right now. :) I've been keeping to my goal of trying to incorporate more artsy, girly activities in my life (to counter-balance the boring tech job that I'm so fortunate to have - money talks!)... So I've been helping to make lanterns for the lumiere festival, and so far it's been going very well. I've been building symbols to represent quintessence (the fifth element) as this year's theme is the elements (Earth, Air, Fire, Water, Quintessence). The fifth element represents (in the eyes of the Lumiere Festival creators) the 'magic' that holds everything together, drawing people in and making the event a wonderful success. :)The lanterns themselves are made out of bamboo (taken from dissected bamboo blinds) and tissue paper, with a mixture of water and glue which serves to tighten the paper so it's smooth, while making it flame retardant. The girl who runs it is hoping to have 2000 lanterns done in time for the festival, and so far we have about 500. I'm actually quite curious to see how we'll do this considering the fact only about 7 or 8 volunteers showed up last time, and the first day, I was the only one besides the two organizers who showed.
I guess we meet throughout July as well, and we also will have the public come in to make jar lanterns with the kids and paper lanterns themselves, but I believe they take those lanterns home and bring them back to carry through the festival.
Anyway, so that's an exciting event that I'm really looking forward to this year. In addition to the lanter part of it, people also dress up. Jenelle, if you read this, you'll know that it's one of my favorite guilty pleasures, ha ha. :) Any excuse to get into some wacky costume is welcomed in my life... :)
The other thing I've been helping with is the Maple Lawn Gardens. Basically, it's two or three hours on sunny Sunday mornings, spent surrounded by plants, flowers, and people who love plants and flowers, which I think is wonderful. It's so nice to hear people talking about the garden with so much knowledge and passion. :) Finally people who understand me! Ha ha! :)
There are other things I was hoping to 'inject' into my monthly routine, but it's been a bit of a challenge to squeeze them in. One thing was shopping for all our food at the farmer's market in Ottawa. I had hoped to start a spin-off blog with recipes and traditions for preparing our locally available food. I still might do that one of these days, but I find right now, by the time I manage to leave the garden at noon on Sundays, I'm covered in dirt and mud and am looking forward to lunch, so the idea of driving downtown to the stadium where the market is kind of goes out the window. I also want to go berry picking sometime soon (before they're all gone!) but I'm not sure when the next available weekend will be for that...
In the mean time, I'm going to try to add one special thing to my routine that has nothing to do with eating (hard to believe but it's true)... I went to see the Sex in the City movie on the weekend, and while I do find that "Kerry" needs to do something with her hair, wanders around with some of the most hideous clothing on, and uses a cell phone that is duct taped together, every so often she (or more-so her friends) had some awesome shoes and accessories and outfits on! That kind of grabbed my lesser-exercised fashion-loving side by the ear and gave it a good shake. So yesterday I headed down to the byward market, where all the trendy boutiques with local (and some more prominent) designer clothing, and found myself in heaven (just like last time I was there at xmas). I found shoes that are incredibly similar to the blue pumps that Kerry apparently spent $525 on in the movie, for $59... :) I found a sweet little grey satin dress with black lace ribbon around the waist for $59, I found an uber trendy white patent purse for - you guessed it - $59!! All this was found in my favorite little boutique 'frou frou' (I hate the name though, makes me think of little old French ladies but anyway). I also found a neat store called Karma, that makes their clothing from recycled rubber and canvas, as well as from natural like bamboo, salvaged wood, etc. There's also a designer knits store somewhere that I haven't managed to find yet, and of course there are many other little boutiques, each with its own treasures for your home, your wardrobe, or just for fun. :) So I'm hoping to start going there, one day a month, grabbing myself a yummy coffee and strolling through to see what deals I can find. SUPER fun. :)
So that's all for now I guess - keeping busy, and happy (finally!)
xoxo





S

(Some Karma clothes!)

Wow, so for some reason, I have been lucky enough to find someone in the world who has a fabulous knack of sending me the right messages at the right time to help pick me up. I have no idea how she does it as the messages obviously aren't for ME (she sends to over 5000 people a month) but it's uncanny how what she writes seems to speak directly about whatever it is that I'm currently stressing over.

Today I tried to write an entry, and later erased it as it had turned into a complete whine/bitch fest (nothing that I would want to read again) about my life. I am not sure what sparked it, but a general sense of boredom with my career, frustration with my lack of organization and time-management skills, and the fact that I got to feast my eyes on some more travel logs from Jenelle and heard that another high school friend was taking some time off from life and moving to London, England, all finally collapsed on my head and I was fairly and completely depressed.

A lot of what I often feel stems from the fact that something is missing from my life (perhaps just a general FOCUS?), and trying to fill it up with volunteer activities, classes, work projects, etc. isn't helping, infact, it's just making me tired and stressed out. I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I am never going to be one of those people who can handle doing 15 different major activities every week, plus juggling friends and work and family and still managing to clean the house and walk the dog. It won't happen, it makes me miserable to try, so I might as well give in and relax a bit. The part I haven't figured out is if I'm supposed to sit in my yard like an old maid forever or if there's some magical "thing" (interest, talent, club, activity, what?) that once I find it, will fit into that hole, and everything will fall into place. I'll be surrounded by a few very close friends who share my interests, I'll have time and energy to devote to my "family life" and relationship, I'll do the laundry and wash the dishes and walk the dog and still have hours to spare..

Anyway, so as I was feeling low, and once again hitting the same brick wall with regard to fixing it (surfing the web on house-swaps to Australia only serves to compound my sense of 'grief' over living in Gatineau suburbia), I got my message... The theme of it was judging for yourself, what is enough in your life. Not as a whole, but really, if you break everything down - do I have enough to wear? Do I have enough to eat? Do I have enough space, a big enough home? What about my view of success? What is enough success? What is enough in my relationships?

When I start to think about it, and she mentions this as well, for many of the 'categories' I go through, it seems that instead of thinking I don't have enough, I reach the opposite conclusion: I have too much. It's quite a profound thing for me to really ask myself if I have "enough" because I often fall prey to the 'grass is always greener' syndrome, especially when it comes to looking at what other people my age have or are doing.

I do have MORE than enough to eat - we throw out and compost almost half of what we buy, I have, for the most part, too much to wear (I know this because there are items in my closet that never get worn at all), I have too much art stuff - I never create anything because there's just too many options and too many unfinished projects sitting around, I have more than enough space in our house (we have one 10x20 room that we have one shelf, one table and the dog bed in - crazy!), and finally, I have too much to worry about right now, so much that I can't focus on any one thing and see it through, or enjoy it.

On the side of not having enough, I think a lot of my 'shortages' are a direct result of the overloads elsewhere. If I had a more lenient schedule, with a relaxed lifestyle, I might have more time and energy for friendships and my relationship. If I threw out the old ugly clothing I no longer wear, I'd have space in my closet to see the things I do own that I forget to wear, and I'd know better what to buy. If I bought less groceries for specific meals, and had the time to make them, I wouldn't have a shortage of good food and money to pay for it.

The other part is success. That one is tough for me. How much is 'enough' when it comes to my success? In friendship? In relationships? In my career? Family life? I don't know... That's where I'll have to do some thinking.

Anyway, the point was that, as I've often ranted, we live in a consumer-based society. Waverly quoted that if we were to go back to what we were consuming 17 years ago, we'd only have to work an average of 5.8 hours a day. If we went back to the 40's it'd be even less. Apparently, we now consume 12 times more than we did in the 20's. Back then, they were just figuring out how to trigger a desire to buy more than what you need. And in perfecting it, they created me, ha... It's up to us to figure out how much is enough and stop when we've reached that. Only then, I think, will we find peace and happiness in our free time. :)

Anyway, thanks again to Waverly, she's an angel in disguise...

S